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Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties Ch 6

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Santo's Workshop

Sep 28, 2024 09:15 pm

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Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties Ch 5

And this is Chapter 5, the full of what's written to date. Once I have a third one to show y'all, I'll put it up and start linking Ko-Fi and whatnot.

For now, hope you liked this one. I'mma get back to trying to write Kaiju Slaying.

Have a good one, and lemme know if you liked! 8D

=][=

Thank whatever gods cared to listen that this week was a long weekend.

Sunday evening, I had done what I probably should have taken care of the moment I arrived to the world, and looked up mostly current events to try and figure out if I knew what specific permutation of DC I was in.

Apparently, the Injustice League had attacked the whole world with giant plant monsters a few years back, and something about…aliens trying to freeze the Earth?

There was speculation that it was in fact ice themed supervillains, but a lot of people said aliens on account of the flying fortresses.

A less popular article spoke of how Kid Flash had carried a heart for transplant across the country for a Queen Perdita Vladek of Vlatava.

I had vague recollections of a show Prime Me had liked a lot that followed those plot lines, but as I recalled, Jason Todd had died in the time skip between seasons one and two.

And it wasn’t until Season Two that the Reach extended their cockroachy little talons toward Earth.

Meaning I had some time, but chances were there were multiple alien species infiltrating Earth even now. Because, if things had gone here like in the show, the Justice League had been mind whammied and sent to wreak havoc in a major trade center somewhere in the galaxy.

Planting the seeds for making humanity the center of the next galactic arms race.

As the weapons to be mass manufactured.

Unfortunately, my recollection became vague after that, but I had a feeling that Darkseid was involved somehow. Meaning I, hopefully, had a few years to prepare for my confrontation with the fucker.

I was going to blow up his planet to space dust.

While I pondered on the many benefits of malicide on an industrial scale, I felt Angela’s mind enter my range of awareness.

She was exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically from a hard shift at the hospital. There had been a drive-by and numerous innocents got riddled with bullets. Had she used her nano biology and Caduceus Staff, she would have finished much earlier.

But she stuck to the mundane way of doing things in the name of secrecy.

Nonetheless, there were a number of children that, barring a miracle or my permission to revolutionize the local field of medical cybernetics, would never walk again.

Well, she certainly wasn’t going to get that permission. If I let that genie out of the bottle Lex Luthor would weaponize it faster than I could sneeze. If I recalled correctly, he already had a secretary with a rudimentary pulse rifle in her arm. I shuddered to imagine what he would do with the tech Angela could unleash.

Angela staggered into the house and made a beeline for the couch, where she flopped face down and groaned. She looked like, for all she cared, her blouse and jeans could literally catch fire and she’d be too tired to do anything about that fact.

Well, she was my woman. It was therefore my duty to help her relax.

Without a word, I used Sleipnir to float over, then I stretched out my arms and wiggled my fingers.

“Hard day at work?” I asked rhetorically, Angela mumbled something into the couch. “Don’t worry Angela.” I said as I laid my hands on her back, making her twitch in surprise. “I’ve gotchu.”

“What do y—?” She cut off and moaned as I pressed down on her lower back and dragged my thumbs up the sides of her spine, the muscles of her back bunching and fighting back, but unable to stand up to the inexorable pressure I brought to bear.

And then Sticky Fingers started offering suggestions.

As her spine creaked and crackled, forcefully realigning as I pressed down and massaged away hours of stress and stale adrenaline, I pressed down on pressure points that I would have otherwise been unaware of. Making Angela lose her breath, gasp, or moan.

She began to wriggle beneath my palms, her ears bright red as I worked. Her mind locked in indecision as half of it screamed at her to make me stop, the other half begging to keep going.

I continued to work over her back, doing small realignments. Then with a rather loud crack, straightened her spine, removing the slight scoliosis and making her shriek in a mixture of pain and pleasure.

She then did her best to melt into the couch and passed out.

I gave her cute, tight derriere an affectionate pat, went back to my apartment, changed into my work clothes, and left through the portal I’d set at the Cauldron, in Old Gotham.

My current plan was to attempt to, for the most part, enter and leave a city wherever there’s been the most deaths. It would hopefully confuse Batman or convince him of my story of being a fully-fledged psychopomp.

And while I technically was a Psychopomp, I currently only had the first step on that path. Which made me barely a Soul Reaper. I didn’t have the Credits to get any farther and still set myself up for quick growth. Or purchase Reinforce and the Tome.

As I flew, I took a few moments to mourn my Golden Ticket.

But it had been the price to get out of Class A without centuries of servitude. So it was worth it.

Besides, there were some investment opportunities I was keeping an eye on. Once I Stamped some more of the Justice League and extended to them my Talents and Defenses, I’d have enough Credits for seed money. It should let me (eventually) pay off my Contract and leave me with Credits besides.

Oh yeah, everything is turning out Alex.

‘We are nearly there, Master.’ Reinforce said, flashing my vision with a small red light.

I blinked and looked down in the direction she pointed. I had, indeed, reached Gotham Memorial while thinking of my plans.

Really should be more careful about that.

I reached out to the minds around me and made them ignore me.

Very nifty trick that, I could see why the Emperor had been such a big fan of it. The door to the roof was locked, but reaching into the locking mechanism with a bit of Telekinesis was all that was needed to unlock the door with a quiet ‘click.’

Once inside I looked around, the occasional person bouncing off me and, upon realizing they were ‘alone,’ and had bounced off ‘nothing,’ very adroitly rationalized whatever had happened and walked on.

The ones who brushed against the feathers of my Sleipnir spell were more interesting, they shuddered and rubbed arms suddenly turned to gooseflesh. One woman even muttered about someone walking on her grave.

Cute.

I found the area that radiated the most despair, I would swear I could taste it in the air past my mask’s filter. There were multiple nurses muttering angrily, I didn’t blame them. I had a feeling that Batman would make some thugs wish they were dead before he ended his anti-crime rampage.

I felt a weird bump in my psychic awareness, closer inspection showed a complex mind, but one that thought in instinct and movement.

Atavistic and primal, it was the type of mind that would suit impulse to action, without the hurdle of ‘conscious thought’ getting in the way. The mind was simple in the way a knife is simple. But what the mind radiated most was kindness and empathy to the suffering around it, as well as a poised readiness to protect.

It was not directly aware of me, but it knew something was where I stood, and was ready to attempt to intervene.

Huh, not a human mind, akin more to an extremely intelligent service dog. I’d have to keep an eye out for it, they deserved some head scritches.

Still, nobody stopped me as I made my way to the room, there was quiet weeping, the kind that was quiet more due to exhaustion, than a lack of feeling or emotional control.

Well, probably better to start with someone sleeping. I’d gotten some practice with Overhaul while I did my Reaping yesterday but if I didn’t have the ability to resurrect anyone I killed on accident? I would not be doing this until I had a better grasp of the Quirk.

Probably best to make sure they’re asleep before I made the attempts. Can’t have the trauma of experiencing their death if they were asleep at the time.

With a minor effort of will, I used my psychic power to flick the biological switch for them to fall asleep.

Moving to the first kid who had been crippled, I laid a hand on his head and considered how to go about this. Controlling Overhaul was like controlling any part of my body, a mixture of instinct and practice.

I’d already used Overhaul to leave behind a prettier corpse for the scumbag’s family, a kindness I’d done the prospective Agent because, for all his faults, he’d kept up a façade for his loved ones.

I’d also used it to turn the fat wannabe serial murderer into so much organic dust.

What I wanted to do now was more the former than the latter, but Psychic Talent was as bullshit as it said on the tin, that little practice I’d done was enough to give me a fairly detailed, if still somewhat basic, understanding of how to use the Quirk.

Intent was important. So, if I wanted to heal this kid painlessly…I hit him with a dash of Overhaul…and he died.

Huh.

Breaking down what happened…I concentrated a bit too much on the painless bit and should have had a dash more control of the Quirk’s activation.

I absently shut off the machine’s shrill screeching, it made it difficult to think.

“What’s going on?” Asked a boy next to me. The very same boy who lied dead on the bed in front of me.

[Never you mind.] I said, grabbed the soul by the scruff of the neck, shoved it back into the body, and resurrected him. He woke up gasping as nurses ran in.

I moved on to the next kid, keeping a closer eye on the way the Quirk ran through them aaaaand she died. I’d kept too much control and had broken an important artery because I couldn’t keep up.

I gave the body another bit of Overhaul to fix everything bad, snatched the crying soul by the arm, told her not to be a baby about this, shoved her back in her body and resurrected her.

She woke up and started crying. I swear, some people.

After the third one died and subsequently woke up cured, the nurses were very confused.

I finally got the hang of what I was doing by the final kid who didn’t even wake up. That felt like a job well done, but I didn’t want this last kid to feel left out or for some idiot to target the child because they thought he was special. So I killed him, told his soul that he needs to stop ingesting trash and start eating healthy, all that junk food and sodas were going to kill him. Then shoved the pudgy soul back into the pudgy body and resurrected him.

I left feeling good, job well done, I heard one of the kids describing the scary owl fire-skelly-man who told them to stop crying and get back up. Then a lot more voices picking up and joining that developing debacle.

Hmmm…might as well clear out the cancer ward while I was here.

Fuck cancer.

As it turned out, removing leukemia all at once without actively transforming all that biomatter back into healthy bone marrow…is bad for the body. The more you know.

[I did not just kill the cancer in you to let your wimpy ass get pulled under by its death throes.] I told the emaciated soul as it looked around in amazement. [Get some protein and join a gym. I recommend kickboxing.]

I left that kid gasping awake as I moved to the next one, who also died when dissolving the cancer also dissolved their lymph nodes and a section of their vena cava.

[I swear, people aren’t supposed to be this fiddly!] I groused as I snatched up the kid and shoved her back in her body.

The third one had malignant metastasized tumors, and when they were Overhauled away…she died.

[For Fuck’s Sake!]

=][=

[Rassin frassin cancer, rassin frassin shock and bullshit. Rassin frassin ungrateful people.] I muttered as I walked out of the front doors of the Metropolis Memorial General Hospital; and wasn’t that a mouthful.

I’d run out of hospitals in Gotham and hadn’t gotten a success in removing cancer without killing the patient. So I went to Bludhaven, and failed there as well.

So I ranged farther.

By the time I got the first success, there were many cities and towns who no longer had cancer patients, and I realized I had not exactly been subtle.

Fuck me I’m an idiot when I get tunnel vision.

So after that I ranged even farther, did a good chunk in Mexico and Canada, teleported to Japan and did the same there. I tried China, but some asshats with magic martial arts attacked me, so they are the reason why the Chinese don’t get to have nice things.

Bright side, I was now quite experienced at using Overhaul to heal, and even using it to resurrect someone who was recently dead, without tapping into my power as a psychopomp.

Cling to the bright sides, they’re what keep you going.

I took off flying, heading to the area of most death, which for Metropolis was actually a hospital, specifically one that specialized in cancer research.

Which I’d already visited.

Man, if I didn’t have a psychic ‘see me not’ field ongoing, that would be so awkw—

Holy Black of the Popo!

I turned my gaze in the direction of the decidedly non-human mind that was making its way t— and it’s here. Lil’ Rein squeaked and fell over in surprise at the suddenness of my guest’s arrival. She beat her tiny wings furiously to regain control of her flight and ran away to the opposite corner of my vision.

Superman was flying next to me, his mind less disciplined than Wonder Woman’s, but strong enough to resist the psychic effect, if only just enough for him to see a vague outline of my body.

My soft, squishy body.

Which he could crush like soft boiled egg.

‘Rein, teleport us out of here first chance you get, make the prep invisible.’ I said to Reinforce telepathically, barely able to maintain the sheer panic I felt in check. Lil’ Rein nodded, closed her eyes, and created magic circle around her, a countdown appearing above her head.

I stopped, not having to account for constantly changing coordinates in relation to the planet’s gravity well would make things faster for Rein.

Superman reacted to my stopping so quickly, it looked simultaneous.

Note to self, get some fucking kryptonite.

“Well howdy, you must be this Owl Man I’ve heard so much about.” The Man of Fuckmothering Steel said with a friendly tone.

I did as my ‘unplanned for encounters 101’ instructor said; Refuge in audacity.

[I am not an owl, and only tangentially may I be called a man.] I said, mentally bidding Rein to hurry up. She opened one eye and gave me a disdainful glance, the counter above her head pausing until she closed her eye again.

Message received; I stopped distracting her.

“Oh?” Superman said. “Well, just wanted to thank you, a lot of folks are very thankful to you for what you’ve been doing.”

[I upheld my Duty.] I stated, saying the first mysterious thing that came to mind. [Gratitude is inconsequential.]

Superman raised an eyebrow. “And what is this duty of yours?”

The countdown above Rein let me time my parting remark perfectly before I teleported. [To shepherd those who have passed, to protect the balance, to punish those who do dishonor the cleansing cycle of birth, life, death, and rebirth.]

“That…” Superman began, and my surroundings flickered as Rein teleported me to Japan.

[Oh thank fuck.] I said, slumping and needing to use the wall to support myself. I was officially done with today.

I opened a portal to my apartment, took off my gear and armor, and went home. I immediately sprawled on the couch, to dickens with today.

I had failed to notice due to all the timezones that I went through today, but it was late and I got so caught up in mastering the healing aspect of Overhaul that I’d skipped lunch.

Me, who literally had ‘summon sandwich’ as one of my superpowers.

Fuck me.

“Oh, you’re back.” I looked up at the sound of Nana’s voice, as was her custom on days off, she was dressed in comfy pajama pants and a loose tee.

I sat up in the couch as she continued. “Angela had to go out, some situation at the hospital. The news were freaking out about some new metahuman infiltrating the hospital and running wild.”

“Yeah, that was me.” I said, standing up and stretching. “I needed to practice one of my powers that can be used for healing, so I healed the kids what got hurt on the drive by, then cleaned out the cancer ward. Because fuck cancer.”

I summoned a soda, smacked the metal cap off with a flick of telekinesis, and sipped it. Body Defense pinged me, informing me it was blocking the effects of small amounts of cocaine.

Looking at the bottle I was drinking from, it was Coca Cola, manufactured in 1893.

Huh. I probably could have sold this to a collector for a pretty penny.

Eh, no use crying over spilled drug-laced sugar-water.

I drained the soda. Looking over at Nana, who was looking at me weird.

“I thought you said you were going to keep a low profile.” She said accusingly.

I sighed. “I may have gotten a small case of tunnel vision after I saw how the drive-by affected Angela. But it’s fine, my identity is safe, and my powers are versatile enough that I can create multiple vigilante identities if needed.”

Nana crossed her arms, the effect that pose had on her breasts drew my eye inexorably to them. “I thought you said we’d go out together.”

“For doing vigilante work, yes.” I said, tossing my glass bottle and guiding it to the recycling trashcan with telekinesis. “But in my duties as a psychopomp? I doubt that is something you want to be a part of. Not to mention, while you will be an invaluable sparring partner, I do believe healing is not among the things you could teach me.”

Nana scowled, clearly coming up with more arguments.

I put a stop to that in the best way possible. By stepping into her personal space and kissing her, taking hold of the back of her head so she couldn’t retreat, and pressing her body against mine via a hand on her wonderfully toned ass.

She struggled at first, but between Sticky Fingers and my ability to psychically read her every reaction she tried to hide, it was not long before she melted into my embrace.

And soon after that, I had her bent over the kitchen table, her shirt bunched up around her neck, her pajamas and underwear down by her ankles. Pressing her face down against the table with one hand on the back of her head, while the other worked on her clit and pussy.

I ignored her struggles and pleas to stop, she could, after all, call on One-For-All at any time and put a stop to what I was doing, and a quick peek into her mind showed that the struggle between actually getting me to stop and begging me to keep going was mostly being won by the side that drove her to instinctively thrust her hips back against my hand. I sped up and brought her to a quick orgasm, then dropped my pants, pressed the head of my cock to her entrance, and unceremoniously hilted myself in her warm and moist quim.

Nana moaned, her velvet walls caressing me as I ground the head of my cock against her deepest point. I pulled her head up by the hair and pressed my soaked fingers against her lips.

“Clean them.” I demanded. Her mind flared with disgust, but as I tightened my grip on the back of her head, she relented and took my fingers into her mouth, licking them clean of her essence.

Once she was done, I pulled her head up and twisted it so I could kiss her, enjoying the taste of her cunt on her tongue, and moved my recently cleaned hand to play with her clit as I began to pump in and out of her at a steady rhythm.

I didn’t bother to hold myself back. The pressure in my groin grew quickly and I buried myself as far as Nana could take me as I came. She shuddered as I spilled myself inside her, then moaned as I worked faster on her clit until she came, I shuddered as her walls milked my oversensitive cock, then she collapsed bonelessly on the table.

I lay on top of her as the two of us tried to catch our breaths, still buried balls deep in her quim. I lightly bit her ear and whispered into it. “We either continue here or in your bed.”

Nana shuddered and mewled. A large part of her getting off on how forceful I was being. Probing a little deeper, I found memories of peculiar videos she enjoyed watching whenever she needed some relief.

It appeared that Nana had a bit of a defeated superheroine fetish.

Today was a good day.
=][=
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Santo's Workshop

Sep 28, 2024 08:56 pm

Public post

Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties Ch 4

Ch 4, lemme know how you like!

=][=

I walked into the kitchen, stretching and yawning. It was a good thing I’d ‘arrived’ on a Friday, because I’d always been slow to start my day on the weekends. I saw Nana was sitting at the table looking awkward and uncomfortable in pajama pants and a thin hoodie, Iris was still asleep, then again, I hadn’t let her actually sleep until three in the morning, a bit before Angela arrived.

“So, you and Iris…” Nana began, her voice dying as she wondered how to continue tastefully.

Iris had not been quiet when I’d fucked her last night. Yeah she’d turned quiet after the first few rounds, but she certainly didn’t start quiet.

“Yup, we were already in a relationship before I was assigned my mission and sent here.” I said unrepentantly, choosing not to use overly crass language.

Nana grunted. “Did you use protection?”

“Nope.” I said and suppressed a snort at the scandalized look on her face, I got a glass of water and made my way to the table. “I have a power that suppresses unwanted pregnancies. It also ensures there won’t be any complications from a pregnancy, but it essentially means I can do it raw as often as I want without worry.”

Nana gulped, her cheeks gaining a dusting of red as she stood and cleared her throat. As she opened her mouth to speak I quashed the sudden and rather powerful impulse to bend the woman over the table and fuck her brains out.

“Well that’s…good.” Nana said awkwardly. “Glad to see you weren’t thoughtless about, erm, being intimate.”

I snorted. “Nana, you don’t have to give me ‘The Talk,’ I assure you.” I grinned lasciviously. “Though if you’d like a practical demonstration, you need only ask.”

She gave me a deadpan look. “Har har, very funny.”

I stepped into her personal space and loomed over her, pinched her chin between my thumb and forefinger, tilted her head up and pressed my lips against hers.

She stiffened in surprise and gasped, giving me the opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth. I took hold of the back of her head, and followed along with suggestions from Sticky Fingers to give her a good time, her resistance quickly dying as she melted into my embrace and moaned into my mouth.

I broke the kiss and whispered roughly into her ear. “I wasn’t joking.”

She panted, her face aflame and her mind torn between indignation, and the barely restrained urge to tackle me and sticking her tongue down my throat. I made the decision for her, kissing her again and picking her up easily. Walking to the nearest couch while carrying an armful of beautiful woman was awkward, but fully worth the effort as I laid over her and we made out, her arms coming to rest around my neck.

I pulled back after a while, and enjoyed the sight of her blissed out, sweaty face. Her expression and mind torn between too many conflicting emotions to easily parse out.

I grinned, caressed her cheek, and pushed my thumb into her mouth so I could play with her tongue. “To reiterate, I wasn’t joking. You are my woman, Nana. Just like Iris and Angela. I’ll try and take things slow.” My grin widened. “But I make no promises on that front. You lot are far too beautiful for me to keep my hands off you.”

She tried to glare, but the effect was severely undercut while she was busy subconsciously sucking on my thumb.

I caressed her tongue one final time and drew my thumb out, and with a wink, licked it clean of her saliva. She cleared her throat and crawled out from under me. “That’s, erm, I need to, I’ll just go and…count my socks.”

With those enlightening words, she left, her loins aching, barely resisting the urge to bowl me over and attempt to kill me via snu snu. I let her retain what little dignity she had left and continued with the whole reason I came downstairs. Drinking a glass of water and making a quick breakfast.

Iris would probably not wake up for a while, and I had some things I needed to take care of.

My HUD pinged. I opened the message I’d just received and speed read it, then sighed. I should have expected that, working for Death, I’d end up becoming a psychopomp. At least the job provided a map and target trackers, or that whole thing would become much more annoying.

I finished breakfast and went directly to my Extra-dimensional apartment, and from there to my workshop. I’d need to put together a disguise. Something appropriately ‘deathy.’

The armor and suit did not take long. A suit of grey Carapace Armor with ablative plasteel layers and standard Kasrkin gray digital camo armorweave combat fatigues.

Lastly, I cut a mask out of ceramite and styled it after a hybrid of a human and an owl skull. Prime Me had begun life as a Mexican. Now that I was working for Death, I figured I might as well embrace that aspect of my heritage.

I carefully fitted blue eyelenses and connected them to my helmet’s power pack, and uploaded my preferred layout for a combat helmet HUD. Once I had the Credits, I’d have to make sure to get Science and Engineering Talents, it would be nice to miniaturize a lot of my tech, that way I’d be able to fit a rebreather into the mask, and I’d be able to reverse engineer the parts I needed for a Rosarius. ‘Human skulls galore’ would, I think, send the wrong message.

I pressed, stamped, milled and printed the parts I’d need for a laspistol and four power packs. Though I switched out the Aquila for a stylized human/owl skull, then forged myself a monomolecular ceramite knife and sheathed it at my belt.

I looked at the Emperor’s sword that I’d hung on the wall. It was potent weapon, and I would be at best able to draw one percent of its power. Wielding it would effectively make me a Tier 5 due to how it augmented my psychic powers. But if I used it now, I’d grow reliant on it.

Not to mention, it looked to be carved out of a single piece of solid gold, and it would clash horribly with my current getup.

Instead I set the machines of my workshop to prepare the components I’d need for a Power Fist, and two pairs of Lightning Claws. And after some thought, a chainsword, because why the hell not. Then, because I was a drama queen, at heart, I used my HUD to CAD up the blueprints for a power maquahuitl and bumped it to the top of the queue.

I’d have to do the fitting and finishing by hand, but by the end of the next week I should have everything I needed to construct my arsenal.

Speaking of which, I should make me a Bolter. Nothing says overcompensating like good old warcrimes.

My HUD and a feeling of warmth in my chest informed me that my Linker Core had finished charging. A large, thick, leather bound book held shut by heavy chains appeared next to me in a flash of light. On its face was a large golden cross that seemed to twinkle as I looked at it.

I couldn’t suppress my grin as I beheld what I’d spent the bulk of my Credits on, and took the Tome of the Night Sky in hand. It was large, heavy, and warm to the touch.

“Come on out.” I said with a smile. “No need to be shy.”

With a flash of purple light, a curvy woman appeared next to me, the top of her head barely reached my shoulder. She had dark silver hair that fell to her lower back, and bright ruby red eyes, her face angular, with high cheek bones and severe features. Beautiful in the way a sword of exquisite craftsmanship was beautiful.

She wore a plain black minidress with a gold band around her waist, two more crossing over her chest, and a red belt around her neck. She had fingerless black gloves, and armored black boots, one sock ended just above her ankle, revealing a lot of creamy pale skin, while the other covered her leg up to mid-thigh. Lastly she wore a black jacket with a high collar, and a black skirt with gold trim.

Two pairs of raven wings fluttered lightly behind her, one pair from her upper back, the other from her lower back just above her hips. She had red lines crossing her exposed skin, a small pair of wings on her head, and red cords wrapped around her right arm and the exposed skin on her legs.

She stood regally for a few seconds before going down to one knee in front of me, placing a hand over her heart. “The Will of the Tome of the Night Sky obeys, Master.”

My smile widened to the point my cheeks hurt.

“Stand.” I said, the Will of the Tome stood to her full height in front of me, I stepped forward and wrapped the most tragic cinnamon bun I’d ever known in a bear hug.

She stiffened in surprise, then melted into the embrace, her arms and wings wrapping around me and squeezing so hard it hurt and made my back pop in multiple places.

“Will of the Tome of the Night Sky is a bit of a mouthful.” I said, gently brushing a hand over her wings, causing her to shiver. “How do you feel about the name ‘Reinforce’? Rein for short.”

Refusing to lift her face from where it was buried in my chest, she nodded. I suppressed a laugh and patted her back gently. “Well, great to meet you, Rein. My name’s Alex. I’ll introduce you to Iris, Nana and Angela later. They’re good people.”

She nodded again. I let the hug continue for a while longer before saying. “While I certainly enjoy hugging you, I do need to get going, Rein.”

Her grip tightened before she released it and she stood back. When she spoke her voice was deep for a woman, and mellifluous, with the slightest hint of a German accent. “Master, I am unable to summon the Wolkenritter. It would be unsafe for you to go out unprotected.”

I caressed her cheek, and Rein leaned desperately into the touch. I brushed my thumb over her cheekbone as I spoke gently but firmly. “I am not weak, Reinforce. We will make do, and you will be with me always.”

She reluctantly nodded.

“Good.” I said and flipped open the book, it read my intent and the page I opened it to had the Sleipnir spell. After speed reading it a few times Soul Talent helped me absorb enough to cast it.

Casting it well though, that would be a different thing entirely, far too much math involved. Practice would have to make perfect. Until I could do the bulk of these equations on the back of my head, my flight would be wobbly.

“Okay!” I said, closing the book gently and wrapping it in its chain. “Time to go.”

“Before we leave, Master.” Reinforce said. “Please think of a design for your barrier jacket.”

“Ah, right, that.” I said, and looked down at my ensemble. Yeah, looking like a futuristic Punisher wannabe wasn’t a bad look. But I could definitely make it ‘Deathier.’ After a few moments of thought, a midnight black armorweave greatcoat with flak plates reinforcing vital areas materialized over my armor, adding a mystic layer to my defenses, with the hood drawn up, I’d pull off the look of a spirit quite well. After a few seconds, I added grey highlights to the coat to give it a bit of color that would not compromise its function.

I smiled, and slipped the mask over my head. Then my grin widened as I called on the Hellfire that ran through my veins like magma.

Lines that glowed a dim orange grew over my clothes, sparks shot from my wrists, and my head and helmet sloughed away, leaving behind a human/avian hybrid skull wreathed in yellow flames contained in a black hood.

Drawing my laspistol and knife had them transform into spikier, flame-wreathed versions of themselves.

[How do I look?] I asked, my voice an ethereal rumble.

“Very intimidating, Master.” Reinforce said, then with a purple and black glimmer, vanished into the Tome hanging at my waist. The only part of my ensemble untouched by Hellfire.

I felt something akin to a polite knock on my Mind and Information Defenses, and after double checking its source, I gave Rein administrative access. I felt her mind connect to mine, the relief and innocent joy she felt at the mental contact was…heavy.

I gave her the mental equivalent of a headpat and, with an effort of will, I vanished the hellfire back beneath my skin, turned the tome into a pendant and sent my gear to my pocket space. I hid the pendant underneath my shirt.

So armed, I was ready to take on Gotham and my new duties as a deputy of Death.

My stomach rumbled, reminding me I’d been in my workshop for the past seven hours.

After a late lunch.

=][=

Gotham was a shit hole.

All post industrial urban decay contrasted by the rich district, that one was all art deco architecture and neon lights.

I flew comfortably, my magical flight was almost automatic as I passed my desires to Rein, and she took care of the calculations for me.

I may as well have been a ghost in the dark skies of the early evening, following the NAV point on my HUD.

Nana had not been happy when I explained I was going out in full regalia, but would not be doing heroics.

No, my job was simultaneously simpler and far more complex.

I set down on the edge of the building overlooking the Nav point. There I witnessed a man dying on the street, his neck twisted the wrong way, road rash having claimed a significant portion of his skin.

Definitely a hit-and-run.

I could use my psychic abilities to learn what had happened, read the eddies in the warp to divine his killer, grant him a measure of justice.

And, maybe I would even do so.

I used my psychic powers to blank myself from the senses of anyone within fifty meters of me, and hopped off the edge of the building, I floated down and set down silently next to the man as he gurgled his last breath.

I could have saved him. But that was not the job.

I reached down, my new job granting me the power to do this without the need to use my Stamp. I lightly pinched his chest, and tugged.

The transparent soul of the dead man came out, looking incredibly confused. Without the damage his body had suffered, he was a Hispanic man of middling height, fit enough, and with generic ‘though guy’ tattoos covering his arms from shoulder to wrist. Prominent among those tattoos was the Virgin Mary.

I flew back to the roof, bringing the soul along with me, using my HUD and my implants to inload the man’s background and a bullet point of his life into my mind.

[Julio Federico Hernandez.] I intoned, because if I was going to play the part of Death, I may as well do it right. I made the empty sockets of my skull burn with conjured, cold warpfire. [Petty thief, gangster, liar, murderer. How do you plead?]

The soul before me blinked numerous times before lying. “Yo ese, I never did none of those things! They never convicted, I’m an innocent man!”

[We both know that is a falsehood.] I said, keeping my flame-eyes on the fucker. [But my remit is to send you to the next step.]

“Ay Díos Mio, I knew I should have kept going to church.” Julio muttered.

[Your first option will be to move on to this world’s afterlife, you will face judgement for the summation of all your sins.] I said, raising my left hand and, with concentration and a small bit of warpery, made a ball of blue fire float above my palm. I made a ball of white fire float in front of me. [Your second option will be oblivion. Your consciousness and soul will know no more. Forever removed from the cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth.]

I made a ball of pale red fire float above my right hand. [Your third will be to join the Company. You will be made mighty, and will be set loose upon the multiverse to do as you bid. You want to enslave Wonder Woman? With wit, might, and guile, it would be the work of but three seconds. Black Canary? Superman? They will worship you as though you were a God. The only thing that Company will ask for in return, will be that you capture and enslave as many as possible.] I vanished the fires. [What say you?]

He stared long and hard at me, his mouth open wide. Suddenly he threw his head back and laughed uproariously. “Fuck, if I’d known, I would have died ages ago! Option three! Option three all the way!”

[May I ask why?] I asked patiently.

Julio’s grin widened. “Shit man, I get another shot at life, superpowers, and I get to motorboat Wonder Woman’s tits along with whatever other bitch I want? Sign me the fuck up!”

I clicked my tongue in annoyance. [Shame.]

I then used my HUD to open a portal for option two, and kicked him through. Last I saw of the guy, a number of tentacles engulfed him and tore his soul to splinters.

The glimpse also did a number on my Stress Defense, I could feel it bending under the weight of what They were. Then the portal closed and it was not an issue anymore.

[Well then.] I said, set my next nav point and took off flying in its direction.

I knew that refusing Slutlife its usual share of perverted sociopaths would meaningfully change nothing. But it would make a difference to me and the people they would have hurt, and that’s the best that could be hoped for in the infinite multiverse.

=][=

I tossed the soul of the morbidly obese man through the portal to the Outer Things, then closed it and took off flying. Even though I was nowhere near the physical body, the faint smell of stale Cheetos and rotten cabbage lingered in the air.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Was it unfair of me to step in and kill the guy before he died of suicide via cop, after going on a killing spree? Technically yes, but there were a half dozen people who would get to go home now that wouldn’t have had I not acted.

I was tired, not physically, but mentally. I had a weekly quota of ‘interviews’ and I had decided to do them all on Saturday so I could have at least Sunday free.

I had ranged far and wide, from Gotham to Hollywood.

Yes I had started a bit late on Saturday so I could put together my gear, but I had not finished until Sunday afternoon, and out of one hundred and five ‘interviews,’ I had gotten zero recruits.

That fact by itself did not bother me any, but the fact that out of the nearly eight thousand people that died between yesterday and today in the United States, a grand total of zero of the ones marked for possible recruitment were decent human beings?

That was depressing, and in a way hilarious.

A wonderful joke of the ‘I either laugh or cry’ variety.

The good news was, I had dropped a portal at every city and town I went to, so hopefully the more I did this, the faster I’ll get at it. Which was good, as I would be paid two Credits every four shifts, with bonuses on overtime and successful ‘commissions.’ And while I didn’t much care about whether or not I succeeded in giving the Company more sociopaths, I could make use of those Credits.

And while two Credits every month wasn’t a lot, non-agents rarely if ever got to even see a Credit, let alone own enough for a powerful purchase, much less access to The Catalog. So I shouldn’t complain overmuch. I had to, somewhat embarrassingly, check my privilege.

I could hop into my apartment and then hop home, and I would, if only to shake off anybody trailing me. But I hadn’t actually gotten to enjoy flying. Too busy getting to the next Nav Point in the vaguest of hope that I would encounter a decent human being to whom I would give a second chance at life.

I stopped thinking about those sad facts and went down to the nearest roof. My final pickup had taken me to Washington DC, and while I didn’t really care about going to a tourist trap, and I didn’t know any of the local restaurants, I figured it might not be a bad idea to look at the Smithsonian. Prime Me never did get around to doing that. My HUD pinged me with a notice that the power maquahuitl was ready for finishing work.

As I pumped a fist in victory, I felt a mind coming closer, it was strong, vital, magical, and aware of my mind’s touch upon it. While its defenses were formidable, it was practiced enough to understand the difference between an attack, and simple awareness.

I set a portal directly to my side, away from the incoming mind, just in case I needed a quick exit, and decided to wait and see whose attention I had drawn. I then summoned my Stamp and threw it twentyish feet away in the direction of the coming mind.

DC universes were full of powerful people. And while I most certainly did not consider myself a hero, I was ultimately going to have to face off against Darkseid. In this case, the ends very much justified the means.

A young lady that couldn’t be a day over sixteen landed ten feet to my left, she had fair skin, raven black hair, and bright blue eyes. She was athletic, lean muscle adding to the beauty of her form, and she wore a stylized red and bronze linothorax and armored skirt.

She all but radiated magic.

Fuck me running, Wonder Woman had just landed on the same rooftop as me, it took all I had not to squee like a fan girl.

I wondered at why she looked like a teenager, but my native memories provided the answer.

She’d always looked like a teenager, photos of her fighting in World War 2 had come out recently, and she had seemingly not aged a day.

Just a quirk of the infinite multiverse. At least she wasn’t stuck looking like a child, that would likely make things even more awkward than being an eternal teenager.

“You’re new.” She said, her posture the type of relaxed that facilitated sudden, explosive movement. “Haven’t caught your name.”

Okay, I was going to have to play it all mysterious, mainly because, given the chance to fill in the blanks, the Justice League will hopefully assume the best, as I spoke, I made sure to gently project my speech into her mind to give my words greater weight, modulating the psychic power so that it seemed autonomic. And taking advantage of the distraction this caused, I telekinetically lifted my Stamp and floated it slowly to press against her calf.

I spoke on an even, deliberate cadence, my head currently being a literal skull on fire lending my words a sepulchral hiss. [I do not require a name. Therefore, I do not have one.]

She raised an eyebrow and spoke slowly. “Okay, what brings you to Washington?”

I kept my posture rigid and uncomfortable, unnatural, aiming for the ‘almost got it right, but tried too hard,’ spot that would touch the uncanny valley. I kept the wytchfire of my eye sockets pointed directly at her. [My duty brought me. It has been dispensed, so I will be leaving. For my duty will not end, not for a long time.]

She arched her brows, and worried as she was due to my wording, did not notice as my Stamp pressed oh so softly against her left calf. “And what, exactly, is your duty?”

I kept my face pointed at her while I did my best to smoothly turn my body to face the portal next to me, judging by the twitch of her lip, I succeeded in making that movement borderline eldritch. I waited for my HUD to ping me with a notice that the pre-capture Stamp had been applied, then I immediately banished the Stamp before speaking. [What can the harvest hope for, if not for the care of the Reaper Man?]

As she stiffened, I stepped forward into my apartment. Disappearing from her view and undoing the portal behind me.

I slumped and hyperventilated in peace. Giddy with my success. Now to do absolutely nothing for three days.

Hopefully, Information Defense would hold up to whatever Diana threw at me. And I already had a large choice of microscopic portals that went all over the United States. I’ll just need to put together some invisibility tech, either that or flip through the Tome of the Night Sky…

In fact. I knocked on the telepathic door to Reinforce’s mind. ‘Hey Rein, do we have an invisibility spell?’

‘We have several, Master.’ Rein’s sexy, smoky voice was as much a delight to my mind as it was to my ears.

‘Problem solved then.’ I sent. ‘Please set up some anti-scrying spells or magic items.’

‘Your will be done.’

I snorted and switched my outfit to casual clothes. ‘And there’s no need to be so formal, relax Rein!’

‘Yes, Master.’

I snorted again and sent her the mental equivalent of a hug and a headpat, she nearly bluescreened.

Baby steps.

I used my implants to put together a cute little chibi sprite of her, linked it to my HUD, and linked it to her. The little cartoon Rein in my vision blinked, looked around, and immediately panicked.

Ignoring the embarrassed distress of the cute little ghost only I could see, I went to the Workshop, welded, riveted, and cable managed the power maquahuitl, and anodized the metal ‘teeth’ so the blades turned shiny black while the blunt part remained dark grey. Igniting the disruptor field resulted in an ethereal blue crackling club with seemingly supernatural black teeth. Extending my hellfire through it resulted in a supernatural grey club with void-black teeth wreathed in flame and crackling with electrical sparks.

Other than the black coloration, the maquahuitl was plain and unadorned, merely a weapon, if one made of Adamantium and with a micro fusion battery hidden in its grip. I had made a few thousand of weapons a lot like these in my time in the engineering and mechanical corps, and this one was nothing special.

A length of blunt metal and sharp blades with a field that would disrupt the molecular bonds of whatever it struck.

Perfect.

I programmed the different machines to cast the blade and other components for an arming sword. Then prepared everything I’d need for my power fist at my workstation, then went to the portal room and used it to teleport to my room.

Walking around the house, I felt out with my mind and found it empty. With a shrug, I went to make dinner.

Thinking of dinner.

‘Hey Rein, what do you feel like for dinner?’

The little Reinforce in my vision, thankfully having calmed down as I worked, looked up from where she ‘sat’ at the corner of my vision. ‘I do not need to eat, Master.’

Well, that simply would not do. I went to rummage through the fridge while humming a purposefully offbeat tune.

Action Adventure Humor PlotBeforePlot GoodBitOfPlotTho Wc

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Santo's Workshop

Sep 28, 2024 08:48 pm

Public post

Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties Ch 3

Ch 3, hope you guys like it.

=][=

I awoke in a bed I hadn’t gone to sleep in, on my own to boot. The aftertaste of a mood that can best be described as ‘fucking finally’ running through me. Well, that was one way to push past the morality of absorbing a possibly sapient mind.

I looked around the room slowly, it was clean, there was one chair covered in clothes too dirty to put away with the clean clothes, but too clean to bother washing. There was a desk with a desktop PC and four monitors, a book case with paperback sci-fi novels, and a display case with tabletop miniatures sporting a simple but aesthetically pleasing paint scheme, memories from my current sleeve piped up and informed me that Battletech didn’t run into the same legal issues in this reality, leading to a healthier state for the game license…still fucked up the storyline though, some things are just omniversal.

Not a bad place to be at all.

I drew the curtain over the window next to the bedside, letting more of the dreaded sunlight through. Then stood up and stretched to get used to the new sleeve.

Going over my mental scape the way I was taught in Basic showed me that my new powers were at my fingertips. I could feel the rage of Hellfire burning within me, eager to find the guilty, to use their sins as kindling to burn their souls to ash.

But more importantly, I also had the stockpiled knowledge of the Master of Mankind, which would be very important for the whole ‘explode Apokolips’ thing on the docket.

It would be fun to mess with hellfire blasts and warp lightning later, there was also the fun stuff that would happen when my new Linker Core finished charging, magical energy, psychic powers and hellfire seemed to be from different ‘pools’ so unfortunately I couldn’t flex one to fill the other, not unless I made something that could convert one energy type to another. I’d have to get that done sometime in the future.

I dressed and left the room. Looking around, I appeared to be in a house.

“Alex? Yo—” In an instant I had turned around and was holding the slim neck of a woman with blonde hair and dark blue eyes, which widened in surprise. Her attempt to force my arm away from her throat seemingly held all the strength of a toddler. I could feel the immense power in my forearms, the merest flick of my wrist would not so much break her neck as decapitate her.

Her punch to my liver achieved little more than tickling me.

Then her face finally registered. And I realized I was about to hurt one of my women, the first of my two ‘MILFs’ even if she was merely at an age where she could fit the stereotype, Robbert had thankfully not been overly harsh on the enforcement of that ‘requirement.’

Damn middle managers.

“Apologies.” I said, letting go of her, she sprung back, gently rubbing at her throat. “I just came off the back of something rather harrowing, wasn’t able to take the time to properly decompress, as it were. I’m your Agent, I go by Alex.”

She blinked, taken aback by my matter-of-fact tone, then even though her face remained impassive, her mind radiated grief. “Ah, so it finally happened. Alex did always joke that it would happen when he’d find it most inconvenient.” She shifted her weight awkwardly, her thoughts aware that, with the disparity in physical power she’d just witnessed, there’d be nothing she could realistically do without a lot more time to prepare a nasty surprise.

And even then, success would end poorly for her.

“Angela Ziegler, at your service. Literally, in this case.” She said, her voice mellifluous and slightly accented, she held her hand out for a shake.

I took it, giving it a gentle squeeze, very thankful that instincts in the Templates came with the ability to precisely modulate my strength. “Lost my actual name, literally, I believe something or other ate it. I go by Alex now.”

She nodded. “Well, rocky introduction aside, glad to have you here.” She hesitated but chose not to ask.

“He did not suffer.” I answered her question anyway then tapped at my head. “In fact, he’s still here. The personality transfer is seamless. With next to no loss of information.”

“Oh.” She said, feeling both a little creeped out and grateful. “Good.”

“Come on, let’s eat breakfast, I’ll explain to everyone there.”

“Yes sir!” She said, then blinked in surprise at how readily she’d deferred to me. Then again, with the Templates I’d chosen, that was not unusual.

I was now, unironically, the Master of Mankind.

Or, at least, I had the roadmap to become that Juggernaut.

The moment I stepped into the kitchen, I was struck by an armful of comely blond young missile and a shouted. “You’re back! What took you so long!?”

I patted Iris’ back and spoke into her hair. “Processing. How long has it been for you?”

“It’s been a few months.” Answered a third voice, deep for a woman. Turning to look, I saw a beautiful black haired woman of Asian descent. She had the musculature of a mixed martial artist in contrast to Angela’s athletic physique and Iris’ soft but trim body. “I take it to mean our Agent finally arrived?” She kept a tighter leash on her own grief, but it was still there. Good to know my personality matrix did not mistreat them.

I untangled myself from Iris, she positively glowed with health, her cheeks flushed as she looked at me with a beaming smile on her face. She was also. Physically younger than I expected. With a flick of Will, I brought up Iris’ processing records.

She’d asked to be younger so she could experience High School. The madwoman.

“Yes,” I answered Nana, and took a seat at the table, “but your lives won’t change much, if at all. I’ve got my mission, and unfortunately, it’s not one you’ll be able to aid me directly in. Though I’d appreciate your aid training, prepping, and off the field support.”

Nana furrowed her brow. “We are not weak.”

Iris looked stricken before she schooled her expression.

“You are not.” I said, nodding. “But my ultimate goal is to tackle a planet cracking threat. One that has sterilized hundreds of worlds and driven stellar civilizations to extinction. I have an idea of how to grow to tackle that threat and survive long enough to achieve my strategic objective.” I looked into Nana’s defiant eyes. “But to throw any of you at that threat would be to sign your death warrants. There are local threats for which your aid will be invaluable. But I refuse to have any of you die needlessly.”

Nana’s cheeks gained a dusting of red, but she nodded.

Breakfast was quiet after that. Iris was happy that talk had moved away from fighting and conflict. Nana felt happy to know that I wouldn’t irrationally keep her from fighting, a light reading of her surface thoughts showed that she had kept herself from fighting while she had cared for past me, and now that I had arrived she was itching to jump into the hero game.

Angela was the least perturbed of all, already planning her day out at Gotham Memorial Hospital.

Nana eventually broke out of her daydream of punching nebulous ‘villains’ in the face and began to go over her curriculum for class today. She was a teacher at Gotham Heights High School, she taught biology of all things; I would have honestly expected her to be the coach for the women’s softball team or something.

She liked to act unaware of the fact that she served as inspiration for the fantasies of the vast majority of the male student body, and a not insignificant chunk of the female students. And most of the faculty.

She’d had to bail my personality matrix out a number of times due to prior me knowing his days were numbered, therefore not giving a single fuck and throwing hands with any bully that managed to piss him off.

It was then that it hit me. I was currently not legally an adult. In fact, rummaging through the memories of my personality matrix, Nana was currently my legal guardian, just as Angela was Iris.’ The current consensus was that Angela and Nana were a lesbian couple who took in troubled orphans.

Or, at least, one troubled orphan. ‘My’ parents having died in a gang shooting when ‘I’ was a child.

I was going to have to suffer the indignity of High School.

This would not stand.

“Nana,” I said, causing her to stop going over her plans for the day and turn to look at me, “I’m dropping out of High School, please prepare the paperwork I’ll need for a GED an—”

“No you’re not.”

I blinked. Caught off guard by the stern rebuttal, utterly nonplussed. “Buh?”

“A proper education is very important.” She continued. “Most Colleges with a program worth a damn will refuse to even look at the application of someone with a GED.”

“But…but I’m an Agent?” I asked, thoroughly wrong-footed. “In fact, I have the collective knowledge of a Space Faring civilization in my head? I could build a fusion reactor in the backyard out of scrap metal and some rare earths. High School and college are rather superfluous.”

Her stern disapproval redoubled, making me quail slightly. “Not only is a High School diploma necessary, but interacting with your peers is supremely important for proper development.”

“Nana, these people are absolutely not my peers.” I said, still confused. “I will achieve nothing other than going through a colossal waste of time, time I won’t be getting back. And money won’t be an issue, I could literally find a sunken Spanish Galleon and come up with historical artifacts and treasure in an afternoon. Hell, I’m an Agent of the Company, every month I’ll just have like, ten thousand dollars. My time would be much better spen—”

Nana reached out and took hold of my hand. “Please Alex, maybe you’re right but…you’re only a couple years out before you graduate. If only for my peace of mind, stay in school.”

Of all the stupid. Asinine. Idiotic. Fuck-off moronic. Goddamn. Absurd. Ludicrous. Inane. Imbecilic. Nonsensical. Half-baked tomfoolery!

“Okay.” I said with a defeated sigh. Her brilliant, relieved, beaming smile made me feel better about caving in to the utterly senseless demand.

=][=

I should have put my foot down, said no to the pleading look in Nana’s eyes and simply dropped out. I could mind-whammy any Truancy Officer I ran across easily enough.

Not like any actually cared because in Gotham they were overworked, underpaid, and often in mortal peril.

Yeah, when I got home today, I was going to put my foot down. I would look into Nana’s big, dark brown, beautiful eyes, and—

“Woah, what crawled up your ass and died?”

“Fuck off, Todd.” I shot back reflexively.

Jason Todd sat across from me at the cafeteria, pulling food out of his lunchbox. “No, seriously, you look worse than usual. Which considering it’s you we’re talking about, might mean someone’s about to die.”

He was a tall, muscular youth with black hair, fair skin, and brown eyes, with a jawline so sharp most girls in school would love to cut their lips on it.

Memories came forward, we hadn’t gotten along when he transferred into the school. Butting heads as often as we saw each other. Until one day we went somewhere private and beat each other black and blue. After that I took him out for ice cream, and we’d been friends ever since.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Iris. I felt guilt and yearning coming from her. She had not been able to get over the uncanny valley where my personality matrix had been concerned, and as such had not become as close to prior me as Angela and Nana.

From her perspective, she wanted to make up for lost time, and ‘stake her claim’ in case any of the girls in school got it in their head to try and go out with me.

I wasn’t exactly popular, but casting a wide but shallow net, I could feel some interest floating around.

Still, fat chance, I didn’t have the time for dumbass teenage romance drama.

I implanted the thought that she should catch up with me after school in her head, and she happily went to her group of friends.

A number of boys looking at her (admittedly pert and very cute) ass spontaneously developed sudden migraines.

“If you must know.” I said, taking a bite out of my sandwich and speaking carefully with my mouth partially filled, I didn’t mind being a bit gross, but there was no point spraying my food everywhere. “I’m considering dropping out of school. If only to escape looking at your ugly ass mug.”

Jason snorted. “Yeah? And what are you going to do after that?”

I shrugged. “Eh, this is Gotham. Drugs, taking a job with the mob…there’s an illegal fighting ring I know of, that’d be a pretty good way to make money.”

“Don’t fucking joke about that shit, asshole.” Jason growled.

“Geebuz, don’t jump down a guy’s throat. The only one I actually considered was the fight club.” I said placating. “But hey, the biggest drug gang in the world is big pharma. Maybe I could pull a Batman, find dirt on enough assholes that I can black mail and live perfectly comfortably for the rest of my days.”

Jason snorted. “And what will you do when they hire a hitman to pop your dumbass?”

“Make use of my insane psychic might to drain his brain out of the fucker’s asshole, then charge the guy that hired him triple every time he tries.”

The best thing about that entire line of bullshit? I wasn’t even joking.

Jason snorted again. “You probably shouldn’t do the fight club either.”

“Bitch I live with a doctor.”

“Didn’t she say that the next time you showed up with a broken nose she’d let it heal crooked?”

“That’s just her using her tsundereness to mask her deep appreciation for my precocious independence.”

“I don’t speak Japanese cartoons.”

“It’s called anime, you philistine!”

We shot the shit until the lunch bell rang and went our separate ways to class. Where I proceeded to stew in my desire to leave already.

Maybe I could clone myself and have the clone go to school while I dealt with the more important things?

My Template of the Emperor pinged me with a few memories where He’d tried that exact thing and it backfired rather badly.

Well, guess that’s out then.

Fuckin’ school.

Thank whatever god cared that I’d arrived on a Friday.

=][=

I sprawled on the copilot seat of Nana’s car as Iris climbed in the back.

“That bad, huh?” Nana said with amusement.

“Hate this planet.” I said with all the gravitas I could summon. “Hate it so much.”

Iris giggled in the back of the car, she actually liked High School. An amazing contrast with the time she spent on the SCP Foundation’s clutches. This time she was being far more careful with her powers, afraid of a similar thing happening.

Only the fact that she and Nana would be sad if I exposited exactly how much I despised the experience, kept me from explaining in exacting detail how much attending High School was a waste of time, effort, and good fucking sense.

“Will Angela be free later today?” I asked.

Nana shook her head. “Something came up, some important surgery or another. Or uhh, surgery on someone important? Either way, she’ll be held up.”

I sighed. “Well, I’ll put together some gear, then you and I will fly out to somewhere quiet where we can train. We’ll be concentrating on combat and aerial combat. I’m good enough in a fistfight or firefight, but being able to smack people about in the air will be very important in my near future.

“Once I feel somewhat confident of my abilities, we can try going on patrol, but I’d prefer if we didn’t patrol Gotham. The Batman is usually fairly territorial.”

“Too bad,” Nana grunted, “the rougher areas of the city are…bad. They could do with more heroes.”

I shook my head. “While you’re objectively correct, that would be a plain bad idea. While the Batman is just a man, he is unironically a peer to demigods. Our best bet is to make use of the covering granted by my Defenses. But I wouldn’t trust even a full Immunity to keep him from finding us. Especially since the fucker is an accomplished detective. My Defenses would be an impediment, but they provide little to no protection to mundane methods of information gathering.”

That was how Prime Me had ended up drawing the attention of the Company. The application of the good old Mark One eyeball, a stubborn streak a mile long, and suicidal determination. Say what one will about augur spells and Power Level Scanners, an eyeball and a determined mind will get you far.

And between the two of us? I would not consider myself more determined than the Batman.

We arrived home in good time, I made dinner and we set a portion aside for Angela when she got home.

I listened to Iris gossip about her friends at school, and kept secret my seething rage at the injustice that was having to attend High School.

I would nurture this grudge, and when they least expected it, I would strike!

“Okay you two, make sure to finish your homework before you goof off the rest of the day.”

I felt my left eye twitch with incredulity.

“But Nana!” Iris whined good naturedly.

“No buts.” Nana returned with mock sternness.

If I explode the school…will I still have homework? If the school is destroyed and there’s no one there to see me do it, is it still my fault? Those are the truly important questions that weighed down my enhanced mind.

Late in the evening, with dinner consumed, homework done, and having helped Iris with her own homework…it was far too late to head out for training.

Fuckin.’

Well, the least I could do would be to find a good place to train, save me the travel time tomorrow. As I got ready to leave, there was a soft knock at my door.

“Excuse me, Mister Alex?” Iris asked peeking into my room, her mind radiating embarrassment and excitement, her cheeks aflame. My nose twitched, the scent of her arousal causing my cock to react.

I considered drawing things out, making her an embarrassed puddle as I forced her to spell out what she wanted. But there was a pretty female nearby, ready and willing for some fun.

I pulled her inside, put my tongue in her mouth, and shut the door behind me.

Finding a training spot could wait until tomorrow.

Action Adventure Humor PlotBeforePlot GoodBitOfPlotTho Wc

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Santo's Workshop

Sep 28, 2024 08:44 pm

Public post

Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties Ch 2

Ch 2, lemme know what y'all think.

=][=

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling of my very own apartment in my very own Demiplane. Iris was currently using me as her personal hug pillow, but I was okay with this, because she was warm, soft, and smelled nice.

I felt mini-me twitch, and quickly got my head out of the gutter. There would be time for indulgence, later.

I had decided to take a couple days off to destress and decompress. Being a D-Class under the SCP Foundation was far from an idyllic job. The bi-weekly sessions of utter mortal danger with an utter idiot for a partner and Steven had played merry hell on my adrenal system. Nothing Body Tune-Up hadn’t fixed, along with Iris’ slight paunch from living in a tiny cell for the last few years.

We were out. I had time to myself.

And I was going to one of the DC universes. Because Death had heard from a friend in the Thinker Division that Darkseid in that neck of the multiverse may very well suss out the Anti-Life equation and go on a rampage. A rampage that would affect the balance of life, death, and rebirth, and subsequently incapacitate several of the Company’s resource and warehouse worlds in that neck of the multiversal woods.

As such, my mission was to explode Apokolips, literally blow it to dust and echoes, killing or capturing Darkseid would net me a bonus.

Downside, the guy would know someone who was an actual threat had arrived in-universe and was gunning for him.

I didn’t have any particular time limit to get started, but the sooner the better. I was free to go about my mission however I saw fit. And I would not be allowed to leave the universe until I finished, on pain of losing my Agent status. My demi-plane or DC caused shenanigans being the only exception.

Death was also going to record the whole thing, It was hoping to broadcast my misadventures as a show in an attempt to back a recent movement of more wholesome entertainment across the Company. Apparently the boss of one of the Mes across the multiverse tried that and it went quite well for him. Bastard.

Iris and I were to be inserted in Gotham. Purely because the place was such a hellhole of corruption that it resonated with the multiversal quantum wavelength of the Company, making insertion easier. I was also required to have two MILFs, or MILF equivalents, and one girl who could pass off as daughter to one of them. Both because Company Informatics said I was more stable with some waifus to my name, and because oyakodon was the favorite kink of my direct liaison between Death and I.

Fuckin’…

At least I managed to sneak in a clause to keep a measure of creative control in the way my Retinue and I would be portrayed in the resulting show. Knowing the average Slutlife Entertainment editor, it’d be awful if I didn’t edit the first couple of drafts myself.

If things went particularly well, I might be able to Stamp the whole of the Justice League. Giving them all a boost in power and gaining an obscene amount of Credits. Win win. Once I had that and killed Darkseid, I might even be able to use their fame and goodwill to charter the world as a Company World, that would net me a tidy profit. DC worlds were popular for that. This was a wonderful plan.

With no negative repercussions.

Perhaps it was a little hypocritical of me to think of the ways I could uplift the neglected and brutal hellscape less than a day after berating Lee for his foolhardy desire to do the same to an SCP Universe.

But unlike him, I didn’t exactly have a damn choice in the matter! I was looking for silver linings, not trying to swallow literal Solar Units of flesh-melting poison!

Iris stirred in her sleep, and I forced myself to reign in my emotions.

Darkseid was strong, but he wasn’t the type I could swarm, the Justice League could only just keep him at bay. A group of Waifus would only be a hindrance to me. I’d need to become individually powerful enough to take the bastard on, hence the whole Stamping the Justice League.

Were they my slaves? Yes, but that put their safety and happiness at the top of my priority list. As I saw it, it was my foremost duty to make them so happy and fulfilled and loved that, if the Stamp were ever removed, they’d stick with me by choice because nothing of circumstance would have changed.

And taking them to fight fucking Darkseid was the exact opposite of keeping them safe.

Besides, my work in one of the Company’s foundry worlds was…fortuitous. After all, I had blueprints from a universe that saw hell worlds worse than Apokolips, and said hold my beer before exploding them.

I had a good chance, and I didn’t need to fight Darkseid, that would just be gravy. I’d need to keep that in mind.

I brought my thoughts back under control. I had an okay amount of Company Credits thanks to my graduation, the bonus from my Work Contract which I didn’t have to use up getting a Template for my final exam, the universe I was headed to was relatively low risk for DC, so I didn’t have as much of a budget as I’d prefer. Which was bullshit because with the Darkseid after me, I would need every goddamn Resistance, but if I wanted a proper seed of power, I’d need to splurge on my early potential.

But as far as putting together a team…I resolved myself to wait until Iris was awake. She deserved to have an input over who would join my harem. After all, they would be the sisters I had promised her.

I’d just left out the caveat that they’d be her sister-wives.

=][=

I woke up to a pair of lips inexpertly nibbling at my own. Not a bad feeling to wake up to if I were to be entirely honest.

I wrapped my arms around the blonde head of hair on top of me, and took advantage of her surprised squeak to deepen the kiss.

On a whim, I used my HUD to purchase Sticky Fingers. Allowing me instinctive knowledge of how to give the best mind blowing sex to anyone I was involved with.

I then turned over so she was beneath me and had no choice but to swallow our mingled spit.

Still, I didn’t want to overwhelm the poor girl, so I kept the kiss fairly slow as I held one of her hands and intertwined our fingers together, my other hand roaming her supple curves. Enjoying her as she slowly got more and more heated.

My patience running ragged, I pulled her pajama bottoms down, then ran my fingers over her moist pussy, causing her to gasp and moan into my mouth, her legs parting and her hips rising to increase contact between us.

Never one to need much of an invitation, I sunk a finger into her very tight tunnel and slowly worked to stretch her out. Her free hand gripping my forearm tightly, yet putting up no resistance, occasionally pulling on it, trying to force my finger deeper.

She might not be able to talk with my tongue in her mouth, but the lady most certainly had a talent for nonverbal communication. Over the next twenty minutes, I worked my finger deeper, loosening her until I could fit a second, my thumb playing gently with her clit the entire time.

She mewled as I brought her to the edge and kept her there, my hand becoming liberally covered in her essence.

I ended the kiss and pulled back to enjoy her frustrated face, tears at the corners of her eyes. “I…I can’t.” She gasped, wriggling her lower body in an attempt to increase friction between her groin and my fingers. “I want to...I…”

“You have to ask permission to come, Iris.” I rumbled gently into her ear.

The girl, half crazed from desire and denied need, put up no resistance. “Please, let me come Mister Janitor.”

I chuckled and bit her ear, making her squeak and shudder. “No points for half answers. Say my name right when you ask permission.”

She moaned in frustration and pushed her hips harder against my hand. “Please Mister Alex, please let me come!”

I kissed her again and wrestled with her tongue while I gave her clit the soft but firm strokes it needed to send her over the edge. She half moaned half squealed as she squirted over my hand, her whole body going rigid as her tunnel milked my fingers. I held her tightly through her climax, then ended the kiss when she relaxed.

I leaned back and enjoyed the sight of the trembling, half-naked girl blissed out next to me.

She had been very sheltered, taken into custody by the foundation while in the tail of her formative years, and allowed zero access to anything to do with her naughty bits that wasn’t a biology textbook. The girl before me could best be described as a blank slate.

I had the feeling that training her kinks to what I enjoyed would go well.

I took the liberty of removing her top to properly enjoy the sight of her tits, their hypnotic movement as she heaved for breath drawing my eyes like iron filings to a magnet.

I put a couple pillows beneath her hips, took off my own clothes, and began to run my cock along her slit. It was not long before I was dripping with her arousal.

The sensation sent a shiver up her spine, making her blink and look down, her eyes widening at the sight of my dick resting over her. She squeaked. “Is that even going to fit?”

Before body tune-up, I’d had a cock that ran just a hair under six inches. I’d used the opportunity to get mini-me to a girthy eight. Comfortably above average, not so long as to cause too much trouble for the ladies.

Hopefully.

Still, the look of mingled excitement and fear on Iris’ face was pure endorphins for my ego.

“Just relax.” I said, placing a hand on her mons and holding one of her legs by the back of the knee with the other. “Concentrate on enjoying yourself, I’ll do all the hard work this time.”

And with a firm thrust, I pushed the head of my dick inside her, along with my first inch.

She did the exact opposite of relaxing, her channel clamping down hard on me in a most delightful way. I stroked her legs and belly while I waited for her to relax, slowly pushing into her a quarter inch at a time until the head of my dick was firmly pressed against her deepest point, taking up all the space inside her and leaving me with one inch free to the air.

Not much of a hindrance, though I’d have to be careful not to push that last inch in.

“How are you feeling?” I asked the sweaty, panting mess beneath me.

“F-Full. But it feels good.” She answered between pants. And I had to restrain myself from going full jackhammer on the girl and likely ruining the experience for her.

That would come later, when she was experienced enough to enjoy that. For now, I began to circle her clit while pumping in and out at a gentle, steady rhythm.

Her moans climbed steadily in volume and pitch, and it wasn’t long before she came, her tunnel milking me from near the base to my tip buried as far as it went inside her.

“You forgot to ask permission.” I chastised once she’d come down, and lightly pinched one of her pert nipples in ‘punishment.’

Iris moaned a somewhat slurred. “Sorry.” As I continued, picking up the peace.

With my enhanced ministrations, she soon begged permission to come, her face aflame. I chuckled, and granted it, and gently brought her to her third climax.

I leaned over her, taking advantage of her hazy state to change position, bringing her legs together and resting her calves on my shoulder. Once she was cognizant, I leaned forward, took hold of one of her breasts, and said. “Feel free to come as much as you like.” And set a fast pace.

The poor girl was soon overwhelmed, but the screaming didn’t start until I moved a hand down to her mons and played with her clit. When she came, I didn’t stop, the overstimulation causing her to convulse, her bunched hands making a mess of the bedding, but with the firm grip I had on her legs, there was little she could do as I took my pleasure.

Once I felt myself get close, I paced my rhythm so we’d finish at the same time. I let go of her legs and leaned over her so I could lock lips and lick her unresisting tongue. This time, when she came, her channel milking my dick set me off, I buried myself inside her almost to the hilt and held her tight. She screamed into my mouth as her hands took hold of my shoulders and held on, her whole body shuddering against mine as she rode her climax.

When mine ended, I turned us over so she could rest, splayed on top of me. I ran my hands through her blonde tresses, enjoying the trembling of her soft, supple body atop mine.

On a whim, I bought Sexual Calibration, removing my refractory period. And quickly grew to full mast, still nearly balls deep in Iris. She moaned and squeezed down on me, then bit my shoulder when I took firm hold of her buttocks and began to pump her hips up and down my length. Enjoying her every hiss and moan as she muffled them against my chest.

I didn’t try nearly as hard to hold back my climax this time, so as I used her for my pleasure, the pressure in my balls built quickly and it wasn’t long before I had shot my second load into Iris who shuddered as I pulsated inside her. I ground her against me, stimulating her clit and sending her over the edge with a surprised squeak when I pushed the tip of a finger dripping with her essence into her anus.

I let her pussy massage my length, then lay back and enjoyed the way she squirmed as I played with her back hole. I could all but feel her confusion, her surprise, and her shame. But she didn’t tell me to stop as she buried her furiously blushing face against my chest. Besides, her pussy spasmed deliciously as she writhed.

Still, while having her massage my length felt great, it wasn’t long before I had her face down and ass up, rutting her like a wild animal as Iris grunted and occasionally moaned, her pussy clamping down on me when she came as I played with her clit.

When she begged me to stop, I lifted her up, licked the tears off her face, then kissed her deeply, swallowing her screams. Building her up to a final, big climax that had her screaming and squirting all over the bed, her body spasming at the overstimulation I forced onto her as I kept slamming into her, until, burying myself inside her as deeply as she could take me, I erupted, biting her neck to muffle my groan as I held her body tightly against mine as she shuddered and convulsed in my embrace before falling limp.

I set her gently down on the bed, the sheets and mattress squishing with our fluids, and withdrew from her. And finally, mini-me did not rise back up for more.

That Sexual Calibration perk was wild.

“Phew! I’m beat, want some water?” I asked, only for the girl to ignore me. “Iris?”

Turning her over, I saw that she had passed out.

Hmmm…I may have gone a tad overboard there.

Hmmm…hmm…yeah, that’s suboptimal.

I was going to have to make it up to her.

With pancakes. Girls love pancakes.

Just not in bed, because the bed right now was nasty, and the auto-cleaning perk would not work while it was occupied with a blissed out girl leaking semen onto it.

And moving her anywhere else would result in that being stained instead.

Hmmm…definitely suboptimal.

=][=

Once Iris woke up, I helped her take a shower. I then led the blushing girl to the kitchen, her walk distinctly weak at the knees. I busied myself at the kitchen, forced to use pancake mix like a barbarian because the individual ingredients were not made available until I upgraded my demi-plane into a home.

Which I would, eventually, it became significantly more expensive mere months before I finished my work contract.

Iris spent the time looking at me and blushing, then looking to the wall-length window showing a high-rise view of the Zakera Ward in the Citadel, the massive space station rotating slowly on its own axis, in a few hours, one of the other arms would block out the sun and send the ward into ‘night.’

The pancakes were alright, but going by the look on Iris’ face as she ate, they were heavenly. I threw the leftovers in the fridge, washed the dishes, bent Iris over the table and took her from behind for a round of lovemaking, then cuddled with her on the couch while I browsed Slutlife Cable.

Thankfully, it wasn’t all porn and dumbass reality TV. Though the Harem genre was definitely over-represented.

And, upside of working for the Company; the harem anime often resulted in threesomes, orgies, and surprisingly little harem-related drama. Though one of the few actually good shows available was all about inter-harem politicking.

Halfway through the show, I took Iris from behind again, timing my thrusts to the lovemaking on the screen. Something that, judging by the way she tightened up, definitely got her motor running.

After cuddling through another few episodes. I explained the situation.

I told her that when next she saw me, I’d be in a different, younger body. So if she wanted to get any more fun with mature me, she’d need to get it out of the way now.

The way her face went tomato red was adorable. She surprised me however, when she took that as prompting to kneel in front of me and take my dick into her mouth just like in the show we’d just finished watching.

I sat back and crossed my arms behind my head.

I wasn’t in too much of a hurry.

Action Adventure Humor PlotBeforePlot GoodBitOfPlotTho Wc

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Santo's Workshop

Sep 28, 2024 08:37 pm

Public post

Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties Ch 1

Hey peeps. Sorry but I did not make the deadline. I stayed late every day at work, and then Wednesday to Friday I worked for twelve hours.

After that, I just didn't have the energy. My apologies.

Good news. Finally came up with a name for this story. This will be the second of the 'commissioned' stories, it has five chapters all of which will be posted presently.

Cherico and Leecifer both have a cameo in this story, done with their permission and input. And I do believe this is the only glimpse anyone will ever see of a now abandoned story that Lee was planning, so hey, have that bit of meta knowledge.

Yer welcome.

I'll post these five, then put on the turbo to try and get the next chapter of Kaiju Slaying ready for you guys.

Who knows, maybe I'll still manage to barely slide in before tomorrow. But I'm unfortunately not feeling optimistic at the moment. As usual, got a bit of a packed weekend.

Here is the first chapter of Gallows Humors, Gallows Duties, hope you lot enjoy! 8D

=][=

I stared unblinkingly at the unmoving statue of concrete and rebar. Unheeding of the ache of my eyes or the eye-watering stench of the organic refuse underneath my feet. I held it unwaveringly in my sight as if my life depended on it.

That was, after all, the case.

“Steven, I need to close my eyes for a bit.” I called out, maintaining unerring eye contact.

There was a pause of a few seconds before I heard Steven’s voice somewhere to my right. “Ready.”

I closed my eyes, the sheer relief I felt making my knees weak. The burning in my eyes slowly ebbing away.

“You should be telling me.” Grumbled Stacy.

I took a deep breath of the holding cell’s stinking air. “Stacy, interacting with you makes me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs. I despise you so intensely, that I genuinely cannot tell if my vision is blurry from my eye irritation or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once we are out of here, I will gut you with an honest to fuck smile on my face, and then proceed to use your quivering intestines as a garrote to snuff what life remains inside you.” I took another deep breath. “I fully plan to record your pitiful mewling gurgles and your last gasp of air as you expire and will use the recording to lull my future children to sleep.” I opened my eyes and held the abomination in my determined glare. “Steven, I am looking again.”

“Okay.” Steven said, and presumably went back to cleaning. Solid guy, that Steven, he could be counted on.

Unlike Stacy.

Stacy, who had agreed to choose the relative milk run that Steven, Lee, Janice and I had picked out for the final exam.

Stacy. Who in all her wisdom, had instead made us have to survive for six months as D-Class personnel in the SCP Foundation.

There was only one person who Prime Me had ever hated. I now too, had one to hate.

The intercom crackled. [Fraternization between the D-Class personnel will be kept at a minimum.]

Seriously. Fuck the Foundation with a rusty rake.

Steven mentioned he’d worked as a janitor for the better part of a decade. Probably why he was so quick at cleaning the cell. He finished in roughly one third the time it took anyone else. He was the designated janitor every time we came to clean the cell. And he had so far done it without complaint.

I had done it twice myself. But I simply didn’t have the man’s ability with a mop. And the fact was, every second we spent in this cell, was spent in utter, mortal danger.

Why Stacy was consistently chosen as our third D-Class for cleaning duty was beyond me. I’d rather have Lee, the man might be a B-itch, but like all B-itches, he could at the very least be trusted to watch after his own self interest.

Yeah he claimed he was in it to be a hero. But if Prime Me’s life and my own time at the Company had taught me anything, it was that the only things you could trust, were Greed and Mutually Assured Destruction.

Unfortunately, Stacy was too goddamned stupid to comprehend this. Her idiotic lunacy was so advanced, that if I relied on her at all, she’d get me and Steven killed without fail, likely at the expense of her own life.

So I did the smart thing and cut her out of any and all planning, beyond keeping her in mind as a sabotaging element. It had so far worked wonders, having foiled at least three instances of her getting me killed.

I was genuinely unsure if those instances were accidental or not. I’d assume malignancy had she not proven time and again how apocalyptically incompetent she was.

“I’m finished.” Steven declared.

I wordlessly held out my arm, and waited for him to grab hold of it and begin steering me in the direction of the gate to the cell.

Were anyone other than Stacy our third. We might consider doing a layered extraction. Two people staring at the thing while the third walked. But neither of us trusted her not to sabotage us.

She walked into my field of view, her back to the abomination and her face flushed. “You don’t get to talk to me like that. I’m the Flag Bearer.”

Incandescent rage roiled in my stomach. It was utterly unfair that we’d lost Lee and Janice, yet Stacy remained. Were there any justice in the world, fucking Stacy would have been the one to go poke whatever SCP they had been sent to poke with a stick, and die during the mission.

As Stacy continued to berate me, I gave in to my hateful impulse, and blinked.

It was the fastest blink I could manage. Lasting the merest fraction of a second. Barely enough time for someone to shift their weight.

The concrete and rebar statue with the crudely painted face had seemingly teleported behind Stacy, holding her head at a brutal angle, just short of snapping her neck like a twig.

“Fuck.” I said as she screamed and Steven stiffened. “I blinked.”

“Fuck,” I heard Steven breathe, “we have to help her.”

“We can’t. We don’t have the tools, and even if we did, they probably wouldn’t work.”

“Help me!” Stacy hissed.

“We have to do something.” Steven insisted.

“Yeah. We leave.” I retorted. “This is partially my bad, but she shouldn’t have turned her back on it. There’s nothing we can do for her.”

“Fuck.”

“Wait. Where are you going?” Stacy demanded. “You can’t leave me here! I’m too good for this! I’m meant for so much better! So much greater! GET BACK HERE!”

We ignored her increasingly frantic screaming. When the gates started to shut. She switched from demanding to pleading, and from pleading to begging. I maintained eye contact with her, the concrete and rebar statue behind her visible enough that I felt safe in taking that risk.

I met her pleading, terrified stare, saw the despondent tears that streaked down her face, and as the doors were a few hairs from being shut, I allowed myself an ever so slight smirk, just the barest twist of my lips, my head turned so Steven wouldn’t see it.

But it was enough.

I reveled in the understanding that bloomed in her eyes the last instant before the doors shut, and fought down a laugh at the muffled ‘crunch!’ audible even through the thick steel gate.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

“Dammit.” Steven sighed.

“I’m sorry.” I lied.

“Now it’s just us two.”

“We don’t know that for sure.” I said without meaning it. “They might just have been transferred.”

“I hope so, Alex.” Steven said as he walked despondently back to our quarters. I let him stew in his own thoughts as I went to my cot and lay down.

We’d have to put up with a new guy for the next bi-weekly cleaning. Hopefully they’d have better survival instincts than a particularly defective dodo.

Steven and I got the rest of the day off. Say what one will about the SCP Foundation (and boy did I have a lot to say) they at least had good management. If you survived the highly likely to get you killed thing they threw you at, you got the rest of the day off to decompress.

Steven and I were rewarded with light duty for the next three days. Restocking the shelves of the Site 19 library, janitorial duty, fixing the printer whenever it had a paper jam, and the most important to me, delivering food to the Safe Humanoid Containment wing.

I delivered the numerous meals, but lingered at the door of SCP-105.

“Why if it isn’t Mister Knight from the past.” Said a young female voice from the other side of the door.

I grinned. “Eh, that was last week. Today I’m an Undercover Alien Interdimensional Hero Secret Agent man who is biding his time.”

“Oh? Biding his time for what?”

“Clearly, to complete his mission and blow this joint.”

“And how will the Undercover Interdimensional Hero Secret Agent man manage that?” The young woman asked with a chuckle.

“Why, with his magical I.T. portal.” I shot back.

There was a frankly adorable snort. “An I.T. portal?”

“A magical IT portal. Created via portaltonium.”

The joke wasn’t good, but in the poor girl’s frankly awful life, there was little to laugh about. I faintly recalled that the site director was sweet on her, and had tired on multiple occasions to set the girl free.

Judging by the fact that I had not been instructed to cease my fiddling. My guess had been correct. Either that, or 105 being marginally less suicidal was deemed a worthy tradeoff for allowing her a pet D-Class.

The fact that they’d be able to use me as a lever to get her to do what the Foundation wanted was not lost on me.

“And how would someone who is not the interdimensional alien get access to the Magical I.T. portal?”

I clicked my tongue. “Unfortunately, it’s only available to family members. But worry not, I have the perfect solution.” I slipped her food through the slot.

There was the rustling of paper, followed by a snort. “Certificate of agreement to become Agent Alex’s Waifu? And consent to teleportation without notice?”

I grinned. “One time offer, take it or leave it for a free ride to a multi-universal adventure.”

I had been slipping the girl notes for months. By now, she had a collection of certificates; ‘Certified Magical Girl,’ ‘Badass Cutie Patootie,’ ‘Nicest Smile in the West,’ among many others. Each with the clause that the signee agreed to ‘all the term entails according to the bestower of the document.’

Every note I’d given her had been utterly mundane. To most scans, so would this one. Except I had signed it with ink mixed with a drop of my blood and a clause that the signee agreed that only my blood was needed for the binding.

A dick move? Maybe, but I couldn’t exactly be open about receiving consent under my current circumstances.

Her chuckle was decidedly wet as I heard the scratching of a pen. “Well, consider me a Waifu, I guess. Where are we headed to first?”

Jackpot.

“Clearly, we’ll first return to headquarters, where I’ll be richly rewarded for my valiant completion of my very dangerous mission.”

Her laugh was a little less forced and a little more weepy as I told her we would travel to a world with dragons. Where she would have sisters who would love and support her and she would eat every exotic meal she could ever stomach.

Unbeknownst to everyone, I wasn’t even lying. After all, according to my HUD, my ticket out of this hell dimension was exactly forty two minutes past my next shift at SCP-173. And my first official Waifu was one Iris Thompson, otherwise known as SCP-105.

=][=

The new guy could follow instructions. Loudly calling out when he was about to blink, keeping his eyes trained on the statue at all times, and never allowing anything to break his line of sight while Steven cleaned.

In no time at all we were backing out of the cell, the door closing before us. The sound of concrete scraping the floor resuming the instant the doors were closed.

We trooped back to our quarters, Steven and I tried to keep our cool, but we were visibly excited and nervous.

Forty-two minutes on the dot after our shift, gates appeared before the two of us. We sprinted through before the siren finished sounding its first wail.

The instant I was through, I looked and saw two other portals. Lee stumbled out of one of them and I sprinted for the second one. I came out to the sight of a blonde, blue-eyed, pale-skinned girl in her late teens to early twenties, she looked scared and hopeful at the same time.

Her eyes widened and she jumped back as I came through. Without ceremony, I grabbed her by the front of her shirt and yanked her through the portal so hard her feet left the ground. Through the closing portal, I could see the door to her room opening, a SWAT team with compact assault rifles in hand running in.

I got a very good look down the barrel an instant before the portal finished closing.

I finished falling to the floor back first, making sure the blonde landed on top of me to minimize the chances she got hurt, the double impact slamming the air out of my lungs in a pained grunt.

I waited a few moments before raising my fists to the air, and forcibly took a deep breath so I could celebrate properly. “WHOO! Not dead! Love it when a plan comes together!”

“Mr. Janitor!?” The girl asked with a gasp.

I smiled at her. “Hey, name’s Alex, sorry about the rough handling, but I didn’t want you to miss out on your multiversal adventure with me.”

Her eyes wide, she began to tremble from head to toe. When she spoke, her voice had a heartbreaking amount of hope in it. “It’s not a joke right? This is happening? This is real, this time?”

I allowed my grin to widen. “Yup!”

She pressed her face to my chest, and I suddenly had an armful of comely, crying girl. I hugged her to me while I let her get it out of her system. And, looking around, I was glad to see my forcibly optimistic bullshit about Lee and Janice had been partly prophetic. “Hey Lee, glad to see you didn’t die.”

Lee stared at me and the girl in my arms with cold, judgmental calculation, but whatever calculus went on in his head seemed to come out in my favor as he nodded. “Likewise.”

“We got ourselves stuck on cleanup duty for 173, what were you up to?”

“...Clean-up for procedure 110 Montauk.” Lee stated, in a lifeless voice, the haunted look in his eye gaining new meaning.

“Shit…I’m sorry you had to go through that.” I said, and for once, unequivocally meant every word. “Is that what happened to…”

Lee shook his head and closed his eyes. “She was forced to fill in under threat of termination when one of the bastards threw his back. She killed herself two days later.” Opening them, he looked my way, an almost manic intensity in his eyes. “Do you know what happened to Stacy?”

Shit.

“She was with me and Steven,” I replied, and continued when Lee looked confused. “The Statue. She wasn't careful, and I accidentally blinked,” I told him with a shrug, wondering if the ‘Hero’ would condemn me for it.

Instead, the corner of his mouth twitched, in the faintest of smiles. “We're punished if we kill each other. But not saving each other? Perfectly fine. What was that phrase of hers? ‘Acceptable Casualties?’ I’m calling dibs.”

“Dibs?” I echoed.

“I asked around before we left. That world was doomed because, in a few years, Day Will Break,” he stated, and I was doubly glad I’d gotten Iris out. “For my Placement, I get to choose where I go, so I’m going back.”

I stared, the idea of going back to that hell...What.

And I cannot stress this enough.

The Fuck!?

I shook Iris off enough to at least be able to stand. She held onto my left hand with a death grip, but that was well enough. I made my way to Lee, who eyed me warily. “Dude. I know I'm an A-hole. I know you have no reason to trust a single fuckin’ thing that’s coming out of my mouth. But please, in the name of anything you consider holy, if you were ever going to pay attention to a single thing I said, do it now.” Slowly, deliberately, I reached out with my right hand, and laid it softly on his shoulder. “I'm not going to pretend I understand what you went through. I do not know Montauk, and I don’t want to know it. But what I do understand, is wanting to get back at someone who hurt you, who hurt you so badly that you cannot in good conscience just let it go. Believe me, out of everyone in the multiverse, I understand.

“But reality in that hellverse is more frayed than even 40k. And Day Break? That’s one of the most fucked up things that can happen. You literally get to choose where you’re going. Don't throw that away. Go somewhere that actually has a chance. Leave that hellscape to its fate. Go somewhere where you’ll actually get to have a happily ever after. Don’t throw away the golden goddamn ticket you've sweated and bled for. That place isn’t hell, because hell is legitimately a better place to be, and you just said it’s about to get much, much worse.” I shook my head and squeezed his shoulder imploringly. “Please. I know I’ve been more of a pain in the ass than I’ve strictly needed to be. I know we butted heads a tad more often than we got along. But the only one I would wish that hellscape on is Stacy. You objectively deserve better, please don’t throw that away.”

He looked at me for a long moment, then he...laughed?

Huh?

Not even a crazed cackle as would be halfway logical no, he sounded, of all things, amused as he gently pushed my hand off him.

“Alex, you...you really don’t get it, do you?” Lee asked, sounding almost pitying. “I'm not going there for revenge, unless you count the best revenge. The Premium Catalog, it’s more than a little Broken, so jumping into a Tier 10 scenario is, if anything, easier than a Tier 4 one. No, I will go there to save it, and I will by no means be trapped there. Trust me, even if you don't understand, I do have a plan. And this time, I won’t have a Stacy to trip me up.”

He looked at me as I scowled at him, and shook his head, “You want a golden ticket, and I understand that, can even respect that, but I'm looking for a golden cause, and, having seen that world, I want to utterly destroy it, in order to save it, and, in so doing, hurt those SCP bastards in ways worse than any kind of physical torture ever could. But that’s a secondary goal, possibly even tertiary, not my primary one. We’ve been in enough Seminars together, here in Basic, for you to know I don’t do things just for one reason.”

I took a deep breath and let it out in a defeated sigh. He had made the most fatal mistake of all and started drinking his own Kool-Aid. Lee…Lee was hard to argue with when he got like this.

Harder than usual anyways. “Fine, fuckin’ fine!” I took out my phone, pressed a familiar icon I had not dared touch during the final exam, and held the phone up at Lee. A two second quantum-level scan later and both our phones beeped. “There, I’ve designated you a beneficiary of my food summoning. Every day you can summon ten pails of freeze-dried ‘add water and heat’ meals, ones that can last a single person thirty to forty-five days depending on rationing; three random sandwiches from across the multiverse; seven sodas from across the multiverse; and however much drinking water you want. That’s the only thing I can do to help. I’d go with you if only to keep your preachy ass from getting capped by some random asshat with a sniper rifle, but I had to wave my right to choose where I was going to get myself transferred out of Class A. Don’t die before I finish my first assignment and can answer a call for backup. If we get a few hours and access to a workshop, I can put together a Lasgun, Laspistol, and Longlas with assorted power packs. Something tells me you’ll need the firepower.”

Lee stared at me for a long moment, then shook his head again, chuckling. “You don't need to, really, but I do appreciate it, and I can see why you’re transferring out of Class A. Try not to die yourself, though, Alex. If you need help, and The Company allows it, call me for a little...Sunlight Cleaning, alright?”

I stared for a few moments, trying not to smile. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, but I was almost certain it was a pun, the highest class of humor. Not that I’d admit to my ignorance, that would be against the Code. “That was terrible, and you should feel ashamed of yourself.”

Before either of us could say anything else, Shinya Kogami walked through the door, eyebrows raised. “Huh, three out of twenty-five survived. Low, but not unusual.” His eyebrows rose further. “And one of you already has a Waifu. You work fast, dontcha?”

I made sure to give him the grin that always made his eyebrow twitch. “Well, come along you three plus one. Time to get your Stamps and your assignments.”

We followed after him and were directed to separate rooms. We waved our final goodbyes and separated.

I don’t pray. But if I did. I wouldn’t pray for Steven. He had a solid mix of common sense, hard work, and gumption. Enough to get him through most situations he’d ever get himself mixed up in.

Lee though? That dum dum would get all my prayers and then some. If only I wasn’t certain that would just make things worse for him.

I got to meet my new boss, I was being subcontracted to one is the multiversal aspects of Death. Apparently, It had heard from a ‘Frank’ that I made for a good Trouble Diffuser.

Meh. It got me out of Class A, and that’s all that truly mattered.

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