Writing Prompt V

This was my first attempt at replying to a writing prompt on r/writingprompts. The prompt itself was so insane, thinking of how to put things together was really fun!

At 09:05 this morning you left for a normal day of work at the office. It is now 15:26, your shotgun has four rounds left, the llama is throwing up, there's police everywhere, someone's punching a nun, and you desperately need to find the seven of clubs. Today has been a weird day.

'BLAM!' That recoil didn't get any easier as the day wore on. I cracked open the shotgun as the mammoth-spider collapsed, its legs folding under it in a mass of orange hair. I emptied out the shells, I only had 4 rounds left.

Sister Edelgard saw me reloading. 'Have you enough?' she asked in her heavy Bavarian accent.

'Not unless we find that bloody card,' I answered. 'How did I get into this mess?'

'By being ze only person in ze City of London who just happened to have ze great firepower on him, kinderlein,' she said with a Grimm grin. I just happened to have had the thing cleaned and reconditioned yesterday.

'At least until the sharpshooters get here,' I said, hopefully. There were police everywhere. At least they could keep the crowds away while we checked the site for that card.

'What card is it, again?' I asked.

'Sieben Clubs! Nicht wieder vergessen!' she fumed. She reminded me of a Mother Superior in a creepy movie, with her white hair escaping from under her dark blue veil. Even if she wasn't psychokinetic, I wouldn't have wanted to cross her.

We descended into the dig site. This anomaly was a weird one, it was spitting out the most bizarre lifeforms. The air shimmered like heat-haze. It was erupting again! I readied the shotgun, expecting the worst: fire-crabs, glass wasps like eagles, those spiders, what...?'

The anomaly blew out a form. It was... a llama? 'What the - is that all?'

'Never zat simple,' Sister said. I could feel her gathering in her power.

The llama made a strange motion, as if heaving. Its neck bulged ominously, and Sister shouted, 'Achtung!' as she made a shoving motion. The llama spewed a brilliant blue flame out of its mouth, and there was a foul stink of rotten eggs. Her shove made the flame sweep around and above us, instead of onto us. The llama slumped down, apparently exhausted after losing its flame.

'Sehr gut,' she puffed. 'Now, seek zat card!' I cast my eyes around, beyond weary. This had been a long day. I hadn't even known about anomalies when I left the house at nine that morning.

'Ze power zat creates zese anomalies can be stopped by an item in ze nearby space,' she explained. 'It used ze item to make ze opening, but if we srow the item into ze anomaly, it will shut itself.'

'So how do we know what the item is?'

She smiled, with a crafty expression. 'I haf ways und means! Ze Mirror of St Helmut showed me zis morning!'

'Don't tell me,' I said, shaking my head, 'Another saint's relic?'

'Naturlich,' she said, insufferably smug. I looked around. The archaeologists and their students had left in a hurry when the anomaly formed, there was stuff lying around all over the place. I was looking underneath a tarp, when I felt a stabbing pain on my heel. I spun around, and a small mammoth-spider had snuck out and was biting me! I shot it, but didn't hit it properly. I had to beat its brains out with the rifle butt to finish the job. I didn't want to shoot my own foot. By the time I was finished, I was worn out and the rifle had yellow ichor all over it. 'That's disgusting!' I moaned.

'No, you're disgusting!' the shrill accusation came from the stairs that led down into the dig. 'We are the Vegan Legion, and we're here to stop you murdering defenceless wildlife!' and suddenly we were surrounded by hemp-clad hippies. 'Don't you dare hurt any more of these poor creatures!'

I was dumbfounded. Where did this lot come from? How did they get through the police cordon? Then I noticed - their eyes weren't right! These weren't people, they were from the anomaly! I swore eloquently.

Then all hell broke loose. Suddenly the police were everywhere, including some carrying heavy sniper rifles. They were shouting at the 'Vegans' to leave the area, but one of them punched Sr Edelgard! Right then, the llama righted itself and looked like it was about to spew again! I aimed my third-last shot at the thing, and managed to get off a shot just before being rugby-tackled by a guy with a beard thicker than his arms. The llama collapsed with a hole in the base of its neck, from which blue sulphurous flame burned steadily. The stink was indescribable!.

Just then, Sr Edelgard pushed her assailant violently off her, as she straightened up, a large, eighteenth-century playing card in her hand! With a shout of triumph, she flicked it into the anomaly, which imploded with a sound like a reverse explosion. The llama corpse and the Vegans all disappeared, and she cheered like a mother at a football match!

Yeah, like I said. It was a weird day.