Yes, Your Kid's Trans Thing is a Phase

by Donna M.
When I was a kid, my family had a set of rotadraw circles that fascinated me. These were circular plastic stencils. First, you drew in all the stenciled openings for "1," then rotated the circle one phase and filled in those for “2,” etc. This process took concentration and careful alignment. Slowly, the underlying drawing was being built, but you would not be able to recognize it until you completed the task and lifted the stencil off to reveal it. The anticipation was agony. It was brilliant.
I've been thinking a lot about that toy recently, and our culture's general impatience. Just over a year ago, our then 15-year-old son announced to my husband and I that he thought he might be trans. As my other essay described, this was not just totally out-of-the-blue, but totally out-of-character.
As many other parents have described, this announcement usually triggers a brutal, all-encompassing, multi-front campaign into finding a therapist, reading the latest research, exploring anti-depressants, physical and cognitive assessments, re-evaluating and adjusting your child's friends and internet influences, reinvesting in family time, and hopefully building a support group. It isn't easy.
As this process plays out, parents are filling in the stencils, shifting the circle, and following the guidelines. Literally – this is how mature parents are designed to work. Life has taught us to look before we leap. Years of observation and self-reflection have revealed to us that humans sometimes want things or do things that are short-sighted and harmful to ourselves and others. A little bit of time, a deep breath, a small moment away to stop and think and gather more information can prevent a lot of errors.
But teenagers are not capable of this. They lack the ability to accurately estimate risk. They are impulsive. They misread social cues. They can be aggressive. Their brains are literally under construction at this point. Their prefrontal cortex won't be fully formed until they are around age 25. These trans-identified kids are prematurely lifting off their rotadraw stencil, declaring that they are absolutely certain they know what the final design should be, and demanding the permanent markers, scissors and glue to form it the way they think some intangible gender spirit tells them it should be. They literally cannot think logically about this topic. They only think emotionally.
Here's the good news: if you've got a teenage child, you are probably in your forties. You've been around the sun a few times. You've had your hipster grunge phase, your "Friend's" haircut, your Pottery Barn furniture phase. You may even be entering the expensive hobby phase – unless you're still in the expensive braces-for-your-kids phase. You understand that some desires, choices, and actions are harmless, some profoundly beneficial, and some truly damaging. Altering the body by hormones or surgery is permanent. Use that wisdom, use that perspective, and give your kid the things they truly need: time, meaningful experiences, better friends who appreciate them for who they actually are, and lots and lots of love.
Because meanwhile, while you are freaking out (internally!) and pretending to have Carol and Mike Brady-like levels of aplomb and sensitivity, your child's brain will start filling in the stencils, rotating the circle, and building up their design. A year from now (as long as you don't give them puberty-suppressing hormones which totally mess up the brain development), their brain will have more capacity to think. Their mind will have more capacity to understand its self.
So yes, your child's trans thing is a phase. Like multiple studies have shown, around 85% of children with gender dysphoria desist by the time they are adults. If your teen is like mine (no evidence of gender non-conformity throughout their life, profoundly gifted, socially isolated) they are probably going to desist. If they are like my friends' kids (ADHD, Asperger's/ASD) they are probably going to desist. If they are like my other friends' kids (gay or lesbian) they are probably going to desist. With some love and some time and no social transitioning, it may take a year or so, but you'll get there.
And if your child is one of the ones whose gender dysphoria never abates – you'll know it after they've completely filled in their rotadraw. You'll have seen those lines forming those patterns for years and years, since childhood and through adolescence. My heart goes out to those families. To you I caution slow slow decision making. Help your kid understand that sex never changes. Make sure your kid knows what their sexuality is. Encourage them to date until they know who they like. Delay anything permanent until their brain has matured, too. Give them the opportunity to let their brain mature naturally. Let them finish their work of growing up. As the thousands of detrans people can attest, you can always go forward, but you can never go back.
So it comes down to this: if you think it might be a phase, it probably is. If you know it isn't a phase, it probably isn't. Either way, we all need to stop messing with the stencil and stop interrupting the natural development of the brain and the body. Have a little patience and respect for the phases, folks. Stop demanding that teenagers know who they are immediately and stop freezing their puberty in its tracks. Phases are weird and ugly and often unpleasant, but phases are natural, too, and we've come a long way thanks to them.