WHY YOU SHOULD GIVE YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY TO AN IMBECILE ON THE INTERNET

- I have a horrifying number of unhelpful opinions that are going to inevitably plague people anyway, so why not live with the haunting guilt of being one of my enablers
- I can be funny sometimes
- I embody the kind of charm that both makes you feel intrigued and activates your fight-or-flight response
- Because I said so, while simultaneously being reckless and unruly enough to start a statement with the word "because"

Step right up, my homies.